I’ve thought a lot this week about how I could be a better wife, mother, daughter, sibling, friend and coworker. I married a very kind, supportive and loving man. I am a hotheaded Latina! Because I’ve been involved in using MI (Motivational Interviewing), I’ve had a lot of time to practice my active listening on the job. I’ve thought I was pretty good at it, but I have found out this week, as I’ve really listened to my words...I may listen, but my responses need to improve. Motivational Interviewing is different than active listening, because it focuses on a behavior that you are wanting to change, not just listening. I have worked hard this week to try and pick up on the behaviors I have, that Gottman lists, that I need to hear and change. On the Gottman’s relationship Blog, it talked about the difficulty of losing touch in this Digital Age. These distractions are so hard on relationships.  I picked a couple of the tips that I felt would help with my marriage.

1. Focus on being interested, not interesting.This seems to be a very common piece of wisdom, probably because so many people have found it so useful. According to Dr. Gottman, Dale Carnegie’s advice in his 1937 classic, How to Win Friends and Influence People was on point: “You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” So often we get caught up in what we are saying and forget to listen to others. When we give our friends, lovers, relatives, and coworkers our time and attention by listening to their detailed thoughts and feelings, we make them feel valued and appreciated. Isn’t that what we all want? Apply this advice to your life liberally and try not to be stunned by the difference it makes.
2. Let go of your own agenda.Instead of trying to direct the flow of conversation, giving advice, trying to solve the speaker’s problems (or feeling overwhelmed and unintentionally minimizing or denying negative feelings they communicate), just be there. If the conversation turns to intense emotional issues and we want to help, many of us jump into the role of rescuer – but the truth is that individuals are best helped by being given the room to speak their feelings and discover the answers to their questions and solutions to their problems themselves. The greatest gift you can give to a friend or lover or family member struggling with difficult life problems is not your opinion but your warm presence and a listening ear. The best thing you can do is to convey the following message: “I understand how you’re feeling right now.” In Dr. Gottman’s words, “Although we can’t eliminate all the pain life presents our friends and loved ones, we can offer one another immeasurable support in difficult times simply by listening in authentic, empathetic ways.”
3. Turn off the TV.This one should be self-explanatory.

I thought a lot about how listening, instead of speaking, is an effective tool. Can listening get you in trouble? Not that I can see…it’s our responses! How. Do. We. Respond? I thought about when I have had the best relationship with my Heavenly Father; it is when I listen and then do. I think when we listen (with a forgiving ear) to our spouse and then serve them, we see the best days in our relationships.

Elder Nelson taught, “Many articles in Church literature have dealt with the important art of listening. They support a proverb that teaches this vital lesson: “Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise.” (Prov. 19:20.) Surely wisdom will come as we listen to learn from children, parents, partners, neighbors, Church leaders, and the Lord.”