Dr. Gottman teaches, “Acknowledging and respecting each other’s deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is the key to saving and enriching your marriage.” It’s easy to understand that no one wants to feel like their most intimate relationships are not allowing them to achieve their dreams. He recommends that we, “Keep working on your unresolvable conflicts. Couples who are demanding of their marriage are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations.” Gottman continues to explain that open communication with your partner, is the first step in overcoming gridlock. This means that you are open and share your hopes, aspirations, and life goals.

The Gottman Institute has researched and determined a series of characteristics common to gridlock. Use this checklist when asking yourself, “Are we entrenched in total gridlock?”:

• The conflict leaves you feeling rejected by your partner.
• No matter how much you talk about it, you feel thwarted. Despite your best attempts, you are making absolutely no headway in the problem area.
• You become so impossibly entrenched in your positions that neither you nor your partner plan to budge.
• Anytime the subject comes up, you invariably feel frustrated and hurt.
• Your conversations about the problem are unpleasant as can be, entirely devoid of humor, amusement, or expressions of affection.
• Your inability to budge increases with the passage of time, leading the two of you to vilify each other when this conflict arises.
• In an infuriating catch-22, the reverse also manages to occur: as you vilify each other, your inability to budge and polarization in your views increases, and your chances of reaching a compromise plummet.
• Upon traversing this delightful territory, the two of you end up in the land of total emotional disengagement.

If this list seems familiar to you, you probably have felt frustrated or maybe overwhelmed by infuriatingly repetitive problems. Gottman says we can take comfort in knowing that there is a way out of gridlock, even if we are feeling entrenched. Motivation and willingness are key! He also states that every marriage should come with a “Marital Poop Detector”. This would be a couples built-in early warning system that clues them in that “something just doesn’t smell right.” 

Gottman has a lot of important information to help couples. I found that the 4 Horseman information and exercises, were very helpful and telling. They helped me to take a good look at whether my contributions to my marriage are positive or negative. I also feel that Gottman’s Method gives hope.

Just like Gottman, Goddard’s activities, such as “The Love Letter” method, to help us become “unstuck”. We are allowed to create a scenario that helps us meet a fulfillment of a desire.

As we learn new skills and combine them with the guidance we receive through scripture we can improve our relationships. We must heed spiritual warning and guidance:

Scriptures and words of prophets and apostles provide ample cautions about contention. In 3 Nephi we read, “He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention” (3 Nephi 11:29).

 (Links to an external site.)Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught that Satan “works to drive a wedge of disharmony between a father and a mother. He entices children to be disobedient to their parents. … Satan knows that the surest and most effective way to disrupt the Lord’s work is to diminish the effectiveness of the family and the sanctity of the home.”

What activities, quotes, advice have empowered you over the past few weeks?

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