Managing Conflict; Consecrating

A cunning part of [Satan’s] strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control.

Elder Robbins taught:

We can “do away” with anger, for He has so taught and commanded us. Anger is a yielding to Satan’s influence by surrendering our self-control. It is the thought-sin that leads to hostile feelings or behavior. It is the detonator of road rage on the freeway, flare-ups in the sports arena, and domestic violence in homes. Unchecked, anger can quickly trigger an explosion of cruel words and other forms of emotional abuse that can scar a tender heart. It is “that which cometh out of the mouth,” the Savior said; “this defileth a man”

Gottman’s research concluded that gridlocked conflict and emotional disengagement in marriage stems from couples being either unable or unwilling to address perpetual problems. What’s interesting about the research, is that it shows that what is important is more about opening a dialogue about the problems as opposed to solving them. It’s important to know the different types of problems. Gottman’s method focuses on “building emotional intelligence”:

• Solvable problems can be about housecleaning, disciplining children, sex, and in-laws. Solvable problems for one couple can be about the exact same topics that could be perpetual problems for a different couple. A solvable problem within a relationship is about something situational. The conflict is simply about that topic, and there may not be a deeper meaning behind each partner’s position. A solution can be found and maintained.
• Perpetual problems are problems that center on either fundamental differences in your personalities, or fundamental differences in your life style needs. All couples have perpetual problems. These issues can seemingly be about the exact same topics as what for another couple might be solvable; however, unlike a solvable problem, these are the problems that a couple will return to over and over and over again.
• Gridlocked perpetual problems are perpetual problems that have been mishandled and have essentially calcified into something “uncomfortable.” When a couple tries to discuss a gridlocked issue, it can feel like they are “spinning their wheels” and getting nowhere. The nature of gridlock is that hidden agendas underlie the issue.

As I consider the different types of problems in my own marriage, I see many different ways I contribute to conflict and not enough effort at repair attempts. Gottman talks about the importance of forgiveness in marriage and we are consistently reminded that the Lord expects us to actively use forgiveness in our marriages.

James E. Faust taught: 

If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being. Some recent studies show that people who are taught to forgive become “less angry, more hopeful, less depressed, less anxious and less stressed,” which leads to greater physical well-being. Another of these studies concludes “that forgiveness … is a liberating gift [that] people can give to themselves.”

In our day the Lord has admonished us, “Ye ought to forgive one another,” and then makes it requisite when He says, “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.”

Sister Sherrie Johnson taught that, “Forgiving those close to us for faults in our relationships is possibly the most difficult kind of forgiveness. But it is an important key to a happy life and is absolutely essential to eternal progression.”

The Power of Forgiveness

We are reminded often, that we need to forgive in order to be forgiven. “Forgiveness is a source of power” that so often goes untapped. WHY? Why are we so unwilling to use this power in our lives? Is it because we think there are some transgressions by others, that are so egregious we are exempt from this commandment?

Sister Johnson offers these helps:

“a few basic principles can help free us from the pain and injury these hurts inflict.

1. After a significant amount of time has elapsed, analyze the past with greater empathy.

Often time and personal growth will allow you to see how you contributed to the problems. You can then see what you did wrong.

2. Build a “bank of memories” to draw on

Fill this “bank” with as many good memories as possible, no matter how small or insignificant they may seem. Focusing on positive memories can help unhappy ones diminish in significance.

3. …create new positive experiences.

The “new” relationship can become so satisfying that the far-away bad experiences are forgotten. The present becomes more real than the past.

4. Pray for help and guidance. Change of any kind is difficult, but forgiving and forgetting is perhaps the hardest kind of change. This change is beyond yourself, but is attainable when you seek and accept the help of Heavenly Father. He can give you the strength you lack.”