Richard Miller stated, “The issues of power, control, and hierarchy are important in families. Issues regarding power are at the root of many family problems.” This does not seem like that surprising of a revelation, but I thought that it was interesting to understand that although power may be the root of many family problems, the misuse may be lack of as well as too much, that was a new awareness for me.

When we think of “healthy” relationships, I usually thought of mental, emotional and spiritual health. Richard B. Miller, a professor at Brigham Young University, is also a director of its School of Family life. He teaches courses on marriage and family therapy, adult development and aging, and research methods. Part of his research focuses on marriage relationships and physical health. His work has been “integral in establishing a correlation between the quality of marital relationships and physical health.” I think it is so important for us to realize that our physical health is at stake as well, if we don’t exercise better judgement in educating, acting and becoming, in regards to our marriage and family relationships.

It’s important for us to understand the following concepts about family:

1. Parents are the leaders in the family.

In healthy, well-functioning families, there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children. Parents are the “executive committee” and the “board of directors” of a family. As with any other leadership position, parents should not be harsh, domineering, or dictatorial, but they are the leaders of the family, and the children need to follow that leadership.

2. Parents must be united in their leadership.

It is important that parents work together in their leadership in the family. Sometimes a parent forms a coalition with a child against the other parent. Although usually unspoken, a parent undermines the other parent. It is vital that parents support each other in the presence of their children. If parents disagree on parenting issues, they should discuss the issues in an “executive session” without the children present. Children often try to play their parents off of each other. Consequently, it is important that parents make sure that they are working together and making decisions that are consistent with each other. Except in cases of abuse, passively not supporting the other parent or actively undermining the authority of the other parent causes serious damage to children.

3. The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults.

When children become adults, the relationship between parents and children changes. In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them. Of course, parents still have the right to set household rules concerning appropriate behavior in their house, but they no longer have the right or responsibility to tell their adult children what to do. It is now the stewardship of the adult children to make decisions concerning their own families.

4. The marital relationship should be a partnership.

Healthy marriages consist of an equal partnership between a husband and a wife. Many marital problems have as their root cause an unequal relationship or struggles over who has control in the relationship. Research makes it very clear that issues about power is predictive of marital problems, including violence. Research also demonstrates that unequal power relationships in marriage are predictive of depression. Thus, research consistently finds that happy relationships are most likely to occur in marriages where the couple shares power and has a true partnership. These research findings are consistent with doctrines found in the gospel.

5. What is the power relationship in your marriage?

With changing values and norms in   Western societies shifting toward equality in marriage, there are less overt unequal power relationships in marriage. There are few spouses who admit or brag about being dominant and controlling in their marriages (although there are some!). Today, problems with power seem to be more subtle and less easily detectable.

Because of the importance of these eternal relationships, Elder Ballard reminds us of the importance of councils (which includes family councils) in his talk Counseling with our Councils:

“…we are prepared to move ahead with our discussion of local Church councils. As we do so, we invoke the challenge of President Joseph F. Smith, who looked forward to the day "when every council of the Priesthood in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints will understand its duty; will assume its own responsibility, will magnify its calling, and fill its place in the Church, to the uttermost, according to the intelligence and ability possessed by it.… When they become thoroughly awakened to the requirements made of them, they will fulfil their duties more faithfully, and the work of the Lord will be all the stronger and more powerful and influential in the world" (in Conference Report, Apr. 1906, 3).”

Family councils, help keep the “power balance” in check. These councils can also help us in our quest to “Be one”. We can help each other to keep our covenants and remember our Savior in our daily lives.

QUESTION: How do you keep the "power balance" in check in your family? What have you done recently to "Be one" in your marriage?